Strategies for Kids

Check out the “Understanding our Kids” section for more information on why, how and when these strategies can be helpful. (currently being updated but check back soon)

Small children are very unlikely to respond well to suggestions of mindfulness or other strategies while they are in the middle of experiencing big feelings. That's why it's great to explore these strategies at other times through stories and, as I will discuss, during play. 

Most importantly, tears are healing! So we don’t want to interrupt the important healing process when kids are having a big cry or rage. It can be really tough as parents to be present with and support our children when they are crying, raging and melting down, it wasn’t something we likely received, instead we might have been distracted away from our feelings or even shamed and punished for them. As a psychologist, I can say that a lot of my time in the therapy room involves helping people name, tolerate and express their feelings. So it’s an absolute gift if we can show our children that all feelings are welcome and safe from an early age.

There are so many wonderful people in this space sharing ways to support our children in their big feelings. Still the biggest thing we can do as parents is our our work and learn to name, tolerate and appropriately express our own emotions (because let’s be honest, most of us struggle with this). 

Check out the support for mums and support for dad tabs for some great resources (coming soon)

 

Naming emotions 

Sometimes this can be helpful in the moment, while other times it irritates our kids even more. You know your child best, practice and see whether naming their emotion in the moment is helpful and validating, or irritating and triggering. If it makes things worse, you can reflect on what they might have been feeling after the big feelings have passed. It’s also powerful to name your own emotions when they pop up, so learn how to do this for yourself too! 

Knowing what emotion we are feeling can help us understand what might be going on, both in ourselves, and in understanding the behaviours of our kids. 

Click here for a list of common emotions to build your vocabulary. 

Click here to understand what different emotions might be communicating. 

Click here for information on where different emotions might be felt in the body. 

While reading Feeling Balanced you can model identifying emotions by first naming a time when you experienced that emotion, and asking your child if there is a time they recall feeling that way. You can even open up discussions about how you knew you were sad, what you felt in your body and again encourage them to do the same. 

 

Mindfulness 

Mindfulness is the ability to pay attention fully to the present moment, and in our modern world of constant distraction and stimulation, this is a skill most people no longer possess. 

Following on from naming and being with emotions, mindfulness has been defined as “simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it wont).”

Mindful breathing 

One of the easiest ways to build mindfulness skills is through paying attention to the breath. Mindful breathing both encourages us to focus on the present moment, while also activating our calming system (parasympathetic nervous system) and sending the message to our brain that our environment is safe. 

Square breathing is a simple way to introduce deep breathing, slowing down and focusing your attention on something. Trace the square, breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, breathing out for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds and then starting again. This strategy is helpful because there are squares everywhere in our environment. You can trace around a book, your phone, or look at a door frame or window and mentally trace them. 

Like all the strategies in these books, they are just to introduce the idea and us parents are likely to find more benefit in them. But if we use them often and model them in our families, then it will be easy for our children to do them too. 

Grounding 

Another great way to bring your attention back into the present moment is through grounding exercises. This involves paying attention to your senses; what can I see, what can I touch (or feel touching me, like clothing, wind, the ground), what can I hear, what can I taste and what can I smell. 

As adults we might benefit from naming one of each (usually inside our head, not out loud), but children might benefit from tuning in to just one. I find laying on the trampoline after a game of crocodile snap (see play below) a great time to tune in, what can we see in the clouds and what sounds can we hear. It only lasts for 38 seconds, but its a lovely mindful 38 seconds. 

Visualisation

Lastly visualisation can support grounding and relaxation. It’s not necessarily mindfulness, but when we specifically focus on a scene that helps us feel safe, our brain can begin to return to balance. 

You might start by describing your happy place, and then encouraging your child to close their eyes and describe their happy place. 

 

Connection 

Watch this space for more important information on attachment and co-regulation 

The most important take away message is to understand that in children, crying, play and laughter all need to occur in the presence of an open, available and safe attachment figure for it to be healing. All the more reason for us parents to look after ourselves first. 

 

Play and movement 

Big emotions, stress and trauma can all get stuck in the body if they haven’t been given space to be released. Have you ever noticed how much better you CAN feel after a walk, run or exercise session? Maybe you’ve noticed that after a game of hide and seek, dance party or big cry and rage your child seems calmer and more co-operative? 

Play 

Play is how children process their world. We can prepare them for big events (getting a new sibling, medical treatments, big transitions), by setting up play, but we can also help them heal from past hurts by using certain types of play. Aware parenting and Aletha Solter have some wonderful resources you can check out, and I will continue to add information here. One of the most important feature of healing play, is when our children are laughing. Like crying, laughter is healing, so if you have a game that gets you child laughing, follow the laughter (although try and avoid tickling as this can increase feelings of powerlessness). 

Power reversal games are a great place to start. Most of the time our children are being told what to do and have very little control. Of course we can focus on giving them enough control where we can, but we can also use power reversal games. These games involve our children being stronger, faster and smarter than us. Maybe they push you over on the couch, maybe you have a pillow fight where they always seem to knock you over, maybe you play chasey but you can never catch them. In our house we have a game called crocodile snap. Me or my husband sit in the middle of the trampoline and pretend we are a crocodile trying to snap up the kids. They run around, jumping over our arms and we fumble and can never catch them. During these games you might even notice your child trying to touch you more and have physical contact, tackling you or laying on you, as well as increased eye contact. These are all great signs of building safety and connection, while releasing built up stress. 

 

 

Stay tuned, more information coming soon